I don't know whether I feel better or worse after I poured out my emo thoughts yesterday night/ early morning. Nevertheless, it eased off a bit of burden in my brain and heart.
Actually, I'm thinking whether rejecting the offer for comp team is really right. I mean, like goddamnit, there is one person short of forming two teams and there is like no other suitable candidate with the attitude (yes it is meant for you, donut a.k.a bernard) or criterias (mind the sp.) set by the ncos and by rejecting them it's like, dropping a vaccum bomb + missle strike from space on helpless soldiers waiting for evac, extremely immoral. But actually, i'm interested, but as tempting the offer seems, I can't take it. Firstly, (this is not revenge of sorts), I'm not initially selected, which means I lack what those who were chosen have, and I still believe I do. Next, I CMI (cannot make it), esp. at practical. Theory is important, but in competition, practical is what that is truly important. Just see my FA practical, you can just puke at it. Lastly, it is myself. I get nervous too easily, I'm also not confident in myself, this post simply proves this point. Most important though, even if I hate to admit it, is due to the fact that I'm a coward. I'm scared of screwing up, which could lead to the team's demise. I'm don't dare take in another defeat. I'm scared of getting screwed by my seniors. I don't want to be the bane of the team... Until I can get over this, I can't force myself to join as much I want to.

Yours truly updated at 11:07 PM