I usually won't post so late at night, but i knew i needed to post this to pour out all my feelings in my heart.
This following post is very emo and full of profanities which I wouldn't hold back at all, I'm just gonna pour them out like no tommorrow. If you don't want to read, seriously, please get out now.


Seriously, I feel that my life is just a motherfucking retarded joke played by fate who takes joy at my misery. ANYTHING I do or decide always make one party freaking pissed, known or unbeknowst to me. Call me satanic, but I don't believe there is such thing as god. Even there is, it is prejudiced towards me so much till I believe heaven and hell are one and the same. I always feel the death god calling for me to make that final step, doing whatever it takes to make it happen. Nothing EVER goes my way, any goals I want, swept away when it is just within my grasp. When I make a decision, there bound to be someone who will shun my decision. Why, goddamnit, can't i make a damn decision which no one will give a freaking mfking damn about it at all, can't I make a choice which will make me not guilt-ridden a single bit; can't I live my own life with no obstruction at all?! I fucking doubt so... there is always something in me which prevents me to follow my heart and mind decision... I'll be frank, if not for this sole thing which I scorn at my whole life in my heart and mind, I would had suicided 5 times already. I mean it. I always feel so inferior to my peers no matter what I strive for, maybe that's why I exist, a test by fate to see whether I would survive such inferiorism or give in to it and die. Well, satan, be fucking happy, I'm nearly at your damn bullshitting doorstep.

I'm seriously wondering why I'm born into this family of mine. I can't feel anything for them, not even a single affection. I don't know what's keeping us together. Money? Us the children? Or some unknown reason? Though we are together, I feel that we are miles away, which our feelings are like ice blocks, so cold and hostile to one another.............or maybe it is me who is not loving my family. Maybe I'm taking my family like granted........maybe i see my family as broken, especially after today's events... which i will not explain...

I don't think anyone know that sometimes, I cry myself to sleep. I keep thinking maybe my non-existance may make this world a better place. I keep thinking how should I commit suicide. I keep thinking how inferior i am to others. I always feel that I'm a nobody in this world, and the world wouldn't change even without me...

I'm so confused, frustrated and emotionally hurt now... I'm crying as I'm typing these words. I feel that I'm walking in a maze where's there is no escape or exit. I seriously hope there would be a guardian angel that would save me from this... but I know this is pure nonsense. No one cares, no ones gives a bloody damn about me, cuz i'm a nobody in this world, only an extra...

Song to share: Guardian Angel by the Red Jump Suit Apparatus

Yours truly updated at 12:18 AM